Old Men, Sunburns, and the NSA

It's the new thing!

In the spring of 2022, I decided to flex my creative muscles and come up with my very own comedy parody album. These are all parodies of classic songs and are based on observations from my time playing an Amish character at the Amish Country Theater.

The lyrics are listed below. Enjoy!

Your Tan

Chorus:

Baby, lock the door and turn the lights up bright

Ain't nothin' like some ultraviolet light

Baby, you ain't never looked so right

As you do when you're tan

I've been thinking 'bout this all day long

How I look when I’m wearing a thong

If this ain’t right, I just wanna be wrong

Just to see your tan

Close the lid and bake, make sure to stay awake

You just take your time

It’s no downer, get a little browner

Please just don't get fried

Chorus:

Baby, lock the door and turn the lights up bright

Ain't nothin' like some ultraviolet light

Baby, you ain't never looked so right

As you do when you're tan

I've been thinking 'bout this all week long

How I look when I’m wearing a thong

If this ain’t right, I just wanna be wrong

Just to see your tan

Everybody loves my body

And I sure love it, too

We’re alone now, you don’t know how

Long I’ve wanted to

Chorus:

Lock the door and turn the lights up bright

Ain't nothin' like some ultraviolet light

Baby, you ain't never looked so right

As you do when you're tan

I've been thinking 'bout this all week long

How I look when I’m wearing a thong

If this ain’t right, I just wanna be wrong

Just to see your tan

I can’t believe I wrote this crazy song

Just to see your tan

Everybody Was E-Bike Riding

Oh-ho-ho-ho

… Everybody was E-Bike riding

Those folks were fast as lightning

In fact it was a little bit frightening

They might as well be driving

… There were funky Amish men from funky Farmerstown

They were riding them up, they were riding them down

It's an ancient Amish art and everybody knows their part

Riding so your tires don’t slip and you don’t break a hip

… Everybody was E-Bike riding

Those folks were fast as lightning

In fact it was a little bit frightening

They might as well be driving

… There was funky Jonas Erb and little Jerry Mast

He said, "Here comes the bishop, let's get it on"

We left our lemonade stand, the open road was looking grand

A sudden motion made me skip, now we're on a brand new trip

… Everybody was E-Bike riding

Those folks were fast as lightning

In fact it was a little bit frightening

They might as well be driving

… Oh-ho-ho-ho (huh)

Oh-ho-ho-ho (ha)

Oh-ho-ho-ho (huh)

Oh-ho-ho-ho

Stayin' Home In Pajamas

Big New Year’s resolutions

To get in shape I joined a gym

It sounded fun to join a spin class

But I gave up two minutes in, keepin' my double chin

Im way too tired to lift a dumbbell

Could barely hold those seven pounds

All my burpees turn to barfees

Been doin squats down on my couch, just sittin’ down

Stayin’ home in my boxers

Where the Netflix are viewed, or Family Feud

Ya’ll know what the plan is

18 movies in my queue

Well they told me Zumba would be easy

It was more than my will could do

But yoga class could be the one for me

Namaste here in my room, hit the snooze

Stayin home in my boxers

Away from loud, sweaty dudes

Kitchen’s filled with pies and cupcakes

I’m going to eat all my favorite foods

My fitness goals were too ambitious

My only six-packs in the fridge

And I hate doing crunches so much

Gimme my cookies from Pepperidge, just a smidge

Stayin home in my boxers

Got my slippers on and my shirt is off

My selfie pics are panoramas

And I’m still eating from the trough, gimme stroganoff

Every Breath You Take

Every breath you take

Every move you make

Every law you break

Every drug you take

We’ll be watching you

We’re the NSA

Nash’nal Security

Is the game we play

Even when you’re away

We’ll be watching you

Oh, can’t you see

We’re the land of the free

Photographs I take

Of every step you take

We try to guarantee

Your civil liberty

Don’t live in fear

Just be sure to clear

Your browser history

Please don’t try to protest or disobey

We flag anything that’s too risqué

In the name of trying to stop a McVay

You get put on a watchlist if you type Bombay

Just keep trying, Sergei, Ivan, please...

Oh, we can see

There’s no privacy

Just in case we’re attacked

We wrote the Patriot Act

It isn’t all that bad

You still have what you had

Don’t be named Assad

Or be from Riyadh

We’ll be watching you

It’s old Uncle Sam

Looking through your webcam

We’ll be watching you

We’ll be watching you...

We’ll be watching you.

Retire

You know that it would be untrue

You know that I would be a liar

If I didn’t say that I think

That some people should retire

Come on, Joe Biden, retire

Just listen to your advisors

You learned to play guitar young

You were a musical live wire

Then you had too much work done

Looks like you head butted a hair dryer

Come on, Wayne Newton, retire

Danke Soehn but please retire

You pioneered rock and roll
Guitar solos and weird attire

Now your tours are much more calm

Your doctor is your best supplier

Come on, Rolling Stones, retire

They’ve put Depends on your rider

Mayor of Cincinnati

Politics was a misfire

Then had a new show in Chicago

Your guests are a dumpster fire

Come on, Jerry Springer, retire

Stop showing up on National Enquirer

Barn in the USA

Born down in an Amish town

The first kick I took was when I milked a cow

I end up with a wife,12 kids, and a horse

And I spend half my life just shovlin’ manure

Barn in the USA

It was a barn in the USA

Barn in the USA

Got in a little homemade jam

So they put a pitchfork in my hand

Sent me off to gather up hay

I hid in the barn and slept there all day

Barn in the USA

It was a barn in the USA

Barn in the USA

Come back home to get some cold iced tea

My mama said to me “No, it just makes you go pee.”

Went down to see my cousin Dan

The only thing he had was Raisin Bran

I have a brother in Mt. Hope

He called me saying he’s at the end of his rope

His wife made him sleep out with the stock

That’s what he gets for marrying a Schrock (not a shock)

Down in the shadow of the milking shed

I still remember what my old dad said,

If you ever get in an argument with your wife

Remember that she knows where you sleep at night

Barn in the USA

It was a barn in the USA

Barn in the USA

I'm A Believer

I thought skin could only burn if you were pale

Went outside without my UV block

The sun was out to get me

There’s no shade in sight

I figured I’d be fine until tonight

Then I saw my face, now I'm a believer

Not a trace of face left unburned

I'm in pain

I'm a believer, I need relief for my front side

I put aloe on the affected areas

Spread it thick, didn’t do a thing

What’s the use in tryin?

All you get is pain?

I really needed morphine, or lidocaine

Then I saw my face, now I'm a believer

Not a trace of face left unburned

I'm in pain

I'm a believer, I need relief for my front side

Oh I thought hats were more or less a silly thing

Meant for someone else but not for me

Oh, the sun was out to get me

Now, I’ve been red for days

Put that cream on thick as mayonnaise

Then I saw my face, now I'm a believer

Not a trace of face left unburned

I'm in pain

I'm a believer, I need relief for my front side

Yes, I saw my face, now I'm a believer

Not a trace of face left unburned

Said, I'm a believer,

I said, I'm a believer

Rock and Roll All Night

You loved us when the band was hot

Now we're gonna give it one more shot

We're gettin' old, we must be crazy

We're puttin' on the make up again

It covers up a bunch of wrinkled skin

You bring the bread, we'll make the gravy

You keep on standing, we'll keep on singing

(Chorus)

I used to rock and roll all night

But now my hairs turnin gray

I have to get to bed by nine

Rub on a tube of Bengay

Haven't picked up my giutar for a while

Not since them hula hoops went outta style

Its been a while, I'm pretty rusty

We'll give you everything we got

Would you like to see my liver spots

Can you drive us home if we get sleepy

If merch keeps sellin we'll keep on yellin

(Chorus)

I used to rock and roll all night

But now my hairs turnin gray

I have to get in bed by nine

Rub on a tube of Bengay

I wanna rock and roll all night

But I can't stay awake

I like to rock and roll all night

But then my body would ache

I'll try to rock and roll all night

If there's some dough to be made

I wanna rock and roll all night

But I get drowsy by eight.

AARP

Old man - there's no need to feel down

I said - old man, pick yourself off the ground

I said - old man, 'cause you’re in a new town

There's no need to pay too much

Old man - there's a place you can go

I said - old man, when you're short on your dough

You can stay with a discount

Many ways to save some money.

You've got to join the A.A.R.P.

They have everything for old men to enjoy.

Even if you’re unemployed.

You've got to join the A.A.R.P.

You can get a cheap room

You can eat a cheap meal

You can even rent cheap wheels.

Old man - are you listening to me

I said - old man, what do you want to be

I said - old man, you’re still not listening to me,

So please turn up your hearing aid.

No man, does it all by himself

I said, old man, put your pride on the shelf

And just go there, to the A.A.R.P.

I'm sure they can help you today

You've got to join A.A.R.P.

They have everything for old men to enjoy.

Even if you’re unemployed.

You've got to join A.A.R.P.

You can get a cheap room

You can eat a cheap meal

You can even rent cheap wheels.

Old Man, I was once in your shoes,

I said, I was down and out with the blues

I felt - No man cared if I were alive

I felt the whole world was so jive

That's when someone came up to me

and said old man take a walk up the street

There's a place there called the A.A.R.P.

They can start you back on your way.

You've got to join A.A.R.P.

They have everything For old men to enjoy.

You can get a discount.

A.A.R.P.

You've got to join A.A.R.P.

Sittin' On A Pile of Hay

Sittin' in the mornin' sun

I'll be sittin' when the evenin' comes

Baling the hay all day

Then I heard my axle snap, yeah

Now I'm sittin' on a pile of hay

Watchin' the bale roll away, ooh

I'm just sittin' on a pile of hay

Wonderin’ why

I left my home this morning

Tryin to beat the heat

I didn’t check my equipment

I just climbed up on my tractor’s seat

Now I’m just sittin’ on a pile of hay

Watchin' the bale roll away, ooh

I'm sittin' on a pile of hay,

Wonderin’ why

Looks like that bale’s going towards my house

Everything won’t be the same

Now I got ten people yellin’ at me

Asking me if I’m sane, yes

Sittin' here restin' my bones

And these people won't leave me alone, listen

Two hundred acres, I farm

Now it looks like I have no home

Now I'm just gon' sit, on a pile of hay

Watchin' the bale roll away, ooh yeah

Sittin' on a pile of hay

Wonderin’ why